An OOC Diet
by The Slow Hand Muse
Summary: The world is mine. And just who am I? I’m Mary Sue Brooks of course. Now that dreamy Alucard will be mine and Integra will answer to me. mwhahahaha


**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to their respective owners.

**A/N: **Just a little oneshot that popped into my head while writing up a new angst piece. It's meant to be funny **stupid** and definitely mostly OOC randomness. Ya, I'm hooked on Mary Sue concepts at the moment. Hope you enjoy it anyways, please be kind and leave a good rating and review.

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And here it is that, I, Mary Sue Brooks, will attest to entering into the events that transpired one night in October of the year… oh who cares. On to the story, right?

A slow rolling fog slithered across the ground, masking my entrance into the world of Hellsing. Moving between worlds was easy now, what with my newly acquired "power". By what hand had these godly or rather ungodly powers been invoked in me, the hell if I knew. Why look a gift horse in the mouth?

A giddy sense of elation filled me as I made my way across the compound grounds, of course I already knew where I was headed. I could feel the breeze rustling through the nearby trees, sense the pressure in the atmosphere signaling the coming of rain. And down beneath the earth I could hear the very worms crawling through the dirt.

But none of these mattered, my goal was simple. My plan precise and unchangeable, because I was Mary Sue and the world now revolved around my every desire. A slow and wicked grin curled my lips as I tucked my hands into the pockets of my jeans. My long flowing auburn hair perfect down to the last follicle as it sways alluringly in the shallow winds. Look on me and adore me.

Easily I stroll through the vast security of the Hellsing Organization undetected and amazingly enough unseen even by vampiric eyes. I'm amazing, yes I know. A yawn escapes my lips as I waltz through the front door, receive nothing more than an arched brow from Walter. Turning a genteel smile upon the man he simple nods, the look of confusion clouding over in the wake of my charismatic gaze.

I can't help but look around, frowning at the drab and stuffy appearance of the mansion. Hmm, it could use some more color definitely, maybe some throw pillows. That'll be the first thing I change with the décor I silently decide.

The banister is smooth under my hand as I ascend the stairs, because it is in fact that uptight stick in the mud which I intend to see first. We do now have to get that troublesome thought about this being her mansion and a certain vampire calling her master out of the way.

Without so much as even a knock I push open the doors to the blonde's office, she should feel grateful I even bothered to visit her at all. A smug grin reaches my sparkling emerald eyes, my presence sweeping into the room with an air of authority. Oh yes, I own everything now.

Swiveling around in her chair, Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing levels a cool gaze on me. I only offer my most sincere of smiles, inwardly frowning at the ugly brown cigar clenched between her lips. I watch the smoke rise to the ceiling, twisting and swirling so unnaturally. It gives me a perverse pleasure as she frowns, narrows her gaze on me.

I want to laugh, but I keep it in, let the mirth glitter through the mesmerizing depths of my perfectly green eyes. Plopping down into the nearest chair unceremoniously I slink back comfortably, ignoring her continued glare.

"How did you get into my house?" Integra almost seems to growl, her displeasure clearly etched in her face.

"Oh, but I can go anywhere I want," I say in my liquid voice, blinking not once but twice at the woman as if not understanding her question and how simple my own answer should be for her to comprehend.

She begins to speak but a raising of my hand silences her, the voice in her throat suddenly going quiet, because lets face it if I wanted to listen to someone bitch and whine at me I'd go back home and listen to my mother right? Tilting my head to the side I ignore her further actions as she grips her throat and slams a fist down on her desk finally to get me to pay attention.

"Oh all right," another wave of the hand and her voice returns at my whim, "but shut up and listen. I'm asking the questions now."

Another grin broadens my face as she turns scarlet, I can see the veins threatening to explode at her temple. This time I can't hold it in, I laugh, full and throaty, as fine as champagne bubbles. Moisture gathers at the edges of my eyes as I swipe across them and finally settle again.

"First question," I say around another giggle as she bites down on the end of her cigar, the cherry tip flaring brightly with the violent inhale of her breath.

"Was Alucard always so demented? Or was that what you did to him? I mean, you left him down there so long I'm sure he would have gone batty. I won't stand for you to treat him like trash anymore." I could keep with the questions, for some reason I hardly seem to need to breath as each rhetorical question is put out there into the open.

"I mean really now what on earth do you feed that thing?"

I cross my arms over my chest, a pout quickly setting to my lips as I turn angry eyes to the British woman. But she's not frowning anymore, in fact she's smiling at me and suddenly I feel afraid. But no, there is no fear for me, I am Mary Sue Brooks, even the darkness worships me.

Puffing out my chest I move to the edge of my chair, hands resting on her desk and gripping the wood as she chuckles in amusement. I'm confused, but it only makes me angrier at her brazen disregard for my rules, she should be raging now, should be violet with the want to hurt me.

"What's so damn funny?"

I can feel it now, something else in the room, pressing down in around me, but nothing is touching me. There is only her laughter as the panic begins to bubble in my stomach, makes my breath catch and my skin itch with the need to run.

"Releasing control art restriction to level six. Situation A. The Cromwell Approval is now in effect. Hold release until target is silenced."

The voice is unearthly, deep and sensual, holds my attention as I look to the darkest corner of the room. Across the ceiling a faint glow forms a circle, a pentecle and the verve of the Hellsing family crest and binding on the vampire.

"No… no, I'm supposed to control you," I can only whimper as the darkness thickens, tenicles snapping out and trapping my arms and my legs.

"NO… WORSHIP ME….," I scream, this was wrong, this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

And there among the shadows his eyes open, the garnet of dried blood twisting and pulling at me. Submit, his voice in my head. I can't fight that damn sexy voice, I don't want to fight. I stare transfixed as his face comes into view like some horrid dream.

"I feed him you damn Mary Sues," the blonde remarks calmly as she settles back into her chair, gripping the cigar between her fingers as another plume of smoke rises to mix with the darkness of His body.

The press of his body is cool against me, my thundering blood exciting him as he appears behind me, thousands of eyes peering through me from the darkness. There is little time to think before he strikes, cranes my neck and sinks his fangs into my throat.

"But damn what a way to die," I manage to voice in a burst of laughter as my eyes grow heavy and death finds me through Alucard's kiss.

**A/N: **I warned you all it was stupid.


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